Stop making fast and furious movies.
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it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout