ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
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I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
The best shot in the history of golf
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Well, that didn’t work.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”