Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
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my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
And then there were 4