‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
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Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
The fall of Netflix
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge