[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
You Might Also Like
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.