Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
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[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet