Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
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Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”