The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
You Might Also Like
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
If only
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.