Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
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*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
uh oh
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.