“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
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Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.