My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
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People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Doug is just Canadian for dog
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
what could possibly go wrong?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.