me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
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A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.