My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
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Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*orders delivery*
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you