I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
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My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT