I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
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Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
so this horse walks into a bar
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]