I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
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You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*