[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
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If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Put the is in disheveled
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
This is a whole mood;
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.