If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
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Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!