Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
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love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.