Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain