[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.