[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
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Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
pictures of spider-man
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
*ernest hemingway voice*
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.