If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
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The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.