*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
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[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
✌🏽
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down