Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
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My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
rapatouille
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”