Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
#FunnyLife Insects
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.