*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
You Might Also Like
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My teenage children choosing violence
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy