According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
You Might Also Like
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”