Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Childbirth is so beautiful
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries