I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
You Might Also Like
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
<—- homeless romantic
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread