Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
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Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Botany good plants lately?
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.