I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
You Might Also Like
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Intelligence is the new cleavage
uh oh
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.