HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
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The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny