The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
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I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.