Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
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[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Baller is short for ballerina
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.