You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
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So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.