If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
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I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
waiting for halloween be like:
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Basketball
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.