{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
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Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages