“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
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First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
“A little help here, Danny?”
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”