I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
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Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.