“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
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WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
How to properly lift a body
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.