“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
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During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
We’ve come full circle
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Simple
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.