My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
You Might Also Like
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Steam Forums
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son