Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
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Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat