Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
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Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.