Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
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Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
This could’ve been an email.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?