if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
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My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Put a ring on it
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
The real reason evolution started..😂
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.