Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.