I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
You Might Also Like
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute