Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
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4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Spring of Deception
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
this could fix me
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.